HIV and relationships

HIV status is an important part of relationships. Guys may want to consider the question of sero-status before entering a relationship, and that concern should be an open one. Some believe that disclosure is not a moral obligation when entering into a relationship. We feel it to be obvious, however, that knowing our partner’s HIV status allows us to make better health decisions, especially when considering giving up condoms.

Many guys have at least one experience of unprotected anal intercourse in the first few months of dating. That tells us that it’s important to talk about any health risks that may exist. Relationships involve trust and honesty. Many guys, even in the most committed of relationships, prefer to get STI tests together. Discussing the possibility of unwanted results is a crucial part of these tests when a partner is involved. But getting tested ultimately remains a personal decision.

A negotiated safety agreement is an agreement between two guys in a relationship to stop using condoms when they fuck together. In such agreements, both partners need top know each other’s HIV status by getting tested. If they have the same status, they may choose not to use condoms within the relationship. However, they will need to keep using condoms for any risky sex outside of the relationship. If they are both HIV+, there may be a risk of secondary HIV infection—another strain of HIV can be transmitted. This new strain may be resistant to treatments the original strain was not resistant to, thus increasing the difficulty of treatment. If one partner is HIV positive and the other negative, they will need to keep using condoms in order that the negative partner stays uninfected.

A negotiated safety agreement is a very serious pact—guys are not simply agreeing to fuck without condoms, they are also agreeing to trust each other to make sex without condoms as safe as possible. So, partners should know each other well enough to inspire such trust.

The following steps are important considerations when drawing up such an agreement:

1. Talk it over. What kind of couple are you? What do you want from each other? How will it work? And what will you do if things go wrong?
2. Get tested. Then you know where you stand (no assumptions about HIV status).
3. Use condoms for 3 months. This allows for the testing “window period”.
4. Get tested a second time to confirm that both partners have the same HIV status.
5. Establish a game plan for your relationship: What’s OK? What’s not?
6. Follow-up! Periodically check in with your partner to see how the arrangement is working. Does anything need to be changed?

From: FERLATTE, O. and HARRIS M.. 2005. Totally Outright a guide for sexual health leaders. Community Based Research centre. 134 pages.