Communication and sexuality

Communication between lovers is critical to healthy relationships. That said, there’s a world of difference between being pro-communication on paper and jumping the real-life hurdles in a real-life relationship. We’re raised to believe that sex shouldn’t be talked about. And gay men, especially, are privy to this particular code of acceptability. Some parents don’t provide any sex education at all for their kids, and those who do rarely even mention gay sex. Without the words to discuss our sex lives, how will we live those lives responsibly? How can we learn those words?

Some guys are unable to find the appropriate vocabulary to express what they want and feel. (Others are unable to discuss sex without giggling, which, while healthier, is more annoying.) The most common obstacle to discussing our sex lives is fear. We fear that by exposing our most intimate desires and concerns, we will be open to judgment, ridicule, criticism, and rejection.

Beyond those obstacles, communication itself can be enormously beneficial. It helps us to better know our partners, it helps us learn, it resolves conflict (or escalates it, when done poorly), and, in case you aren’t already sold on the idea, it makes sex better.

So how can you communicate more effectively?
First off, you can practise articulating your needs to yourself. If it’s not clear to yourself what you want, how will others figure it out? This sounds a bit obvious, but it’s a crucial and often overlooked first step. You grocery shop better with a list in hand, and we communicate better with a thought-out argument, query, or flowery bit of praise.

Once we know what it is that we want, we have to actually say something (or push it deep, deep inside so it can fester). Explain your feelings clearly, to cite specifics, and ask your partner’s feelings, and responses. Ideally, then, a solution or resolution is arrived at. But communication is no magic pill. Guys might refuse requests or simply fail to agree. Discord may in fact be a viable conclusion.

That’s it. Sounds easy, eh? It does take a lot of practice. Maybe some role play could help—acting out scenarios a few times allows us to get a handle on them.

Tips:

• ask open questions (questions without “yes” or “no” answers)
• speak from a personal perspective—“Say there was this guy” does not inspire confidence or trust
• express needs and feelings clearly, one at a time
• if things get too mired in personal history, try switching gears and talking about the present and the future

To close, we’d like to remind you that communication is only half about talking. It involves a great deal of listening, too. Effective listening requires that we receive a message, understand it, and react to it. And how about a little eye contact while we’re at it? Show interest in what others are telling you—you might learn something.

From: FERLATTE, O. and HARRIS M.. 2005. Totally Outright a guide for sexual health leaders. Community Based Research centre. 134 pages.